Here's my little diary thing for when I'm lonely or don't wanna tell someone something
I don't expect anyone to read it. I hope it goes well
13/2/2025 OH COME ON MY DOGS FUCKING DEAD NOW💔💔i miss you baby☹️ my life sucks its falling apart bruh i cant do ts anymore
10/2/2025 gooodbye its literally gotten so much worse since he left me. Ive veen having bad psychosis attacks and im starting to see stuff.. Uh oh.
16/1/2025 he's gone now... my so called best friend, he's left. I don't have a favorite person anymore. It's definitely not myself either. I have lots of friends but I feel alone. It's the new year and it's starting off shit. Unless it's for the best like he said... which I don't believe. I don't need a favorite person. It's better for me if I don't have one. I've been hearing more voices today. I really am someone who just comes and goes. Also, my health is bad. I haven't gained weight or height in a year straight.
15/12/2024 i took a bath today. I'm still taking it actually.. it's a bad idea because I think a lot during baths. it's making me think of my best friend who's probably off having fun with the one I hate. myyyy shit is wack ooh oh oh ooh ah ah
14/12/2024 just asked my brother for a snack...it's 3am... he got really mad at me for that, as expected. I told him he could have mine later and still got angry.. he did eventually let me have one. I'm still hungry, but I don't wanna bother him again really. I don't wanna gain weight, either way. I don't have the best relationship with my brother.
12/12/2024. 12th December 2024, such an important date with events bound to happen. it's different for anyone else... my best friend didn't want to talk to me today, I didn't like that. gotta go for a sec. I'm back, my dad walked into my room. he's in a good mood today. I'm really ill today. I didn't eat much, and I'm glad about that. not overweight or anything, but definitely not the weight I'd like to be. ignoring what everyone else says seemingly not caring or thinking much. personally I think eating feeds the bugs beneath my skin. I don't believe I have any or maybe I do. I don't know. I find that if I don't feel the sensation, they're asleep. or dead, but they're still there. which sucks. oh, ones awake on my leg.. I don't like that. or maybe it's multiple? it's under my arm now..I still don't like it. I see them a lot.. my best friend.. he tells me I don't have them or they don't exist. I can't say I believe it. I know this seems extremely schizophrenic and everything, but I'm not like that. I should not worry.. I think too much about others. I think they care..I think wrong. It's okay though. Maybe it's the contrast between my thoughts and the reality. i remember once I had an obsession with someone(cough c cough cough). it was not nice. I didn't enjoy it. i really love spending time with him though. i was described negatively often. I don't think he ever hated me. although..it might be me thinking I'm totally perfect to others. Im not. he might have hated me...but I can never hate him. although, he's not ever said anything negative. however I don't know what's inside his thoughts. im not on about my best friend, btw. though, I'd know.....it's just me and my thoughts here. haha. no context needed or anything. I've had enough of other people. especially today. thinking of the worms especially awakens them. I don't like that. this means I probably should not be writing a diary. it helps me think of them, its not pleasant. maybe I am just overreacting. I have to stop thinking of others so often. everyone's distancing from me. why am I the one to think of others when I'm just a mere consciousness for people to play around with and ignore? I depend on others too much. I don't like staying inside. I want to explore outside....the people in my country scare me though. lots of drug heads yell at me which makes me feel unsafe.. if I ever got caught writing this by anyone I think I'd be done for. or at least told that I just spend too much time on the Internet. I tell myself I don't care for others. it's not true. my thoughts are stubborn, I can't believe them. I dont like how my best friend is friends with someone I hate. I hate that. i tell him to drop the person..he won't. I hate that I really really hate that. im definitely not important to him as he says I am. i cant believe it. I hope he doesn't bribe me into showing him this website. i dont think negatively of him, he's my best friend. but sometimes I really wish he could just let go of the person I hate. it gets on my nerves. he's selfish.. not like I talk to his ex. I know matching pfps are ridiculous, but when my best friend has unmatched just to later match with the one I hate...its making me sad. really sad.. i care on others too much, I wish I was as selfish as him. instead of obsessing on others. another theory I have is that there's worms in my ears too. but they're really small. the reason my ears are itchy and earwax so much is bevause of them. they move around a lot causing earwax to activate and they're really small so when I clean my ear they blend in. I think I hear a rooster. one lives closely... but i think it's my imagination this time. ok no it's not I just heard it again LMAOO. it's late at night, which is strange. it usually calls at morning. haha...he's doing it again. he's leaving me again. as we speak...or as I speak. haha..I'll be lonely now. I'll update this site a lot. why do I care so much..its better if I just die. I think of it like as I'm an animal..no meaning really just something that comes and goes.. I don't want to lose my best friend. I'm gonna go insane one day I swear...I don't want that.. i think my best friend leaving me for two weeks will make my condition worse. he doesn't care. I hate myself why do I care about others so much what is my obsession with other people... I'm so SICK of it. all that i care about myself is just my body my stupid body. i get told I'm skinny everyday I just can't listen to them. ive been 50 kilograms for a year. doctor says it's unhealthy but what I want is just to lose some weight. Just getting to the 40s is good enough... i cant eat lots I just want to be body positive...and I want somebody to truly care for me. won't happen though. only thing that actually supports me is music. it's so stupid too like how does mindless self indulgence help me cope with life?? tf. i haaate myself soooo much and other peopleeeeeeeee. except for and my best friend....c is okay. i like c. maybe it's because he doesn't talk to me often enough to know how weird I am. i remember going on a walk with him in the snow...it was wonderful..I really enjoyed it. so did he. i hope that each time it snows I can go with him on a walk again..only him. thinking of c too much makes me not well. i should ignore it.. i hope my best friend does come back in 2 weeks. and i hope he knocks sense into his head to stop talking to the person I hate. also this is becoming extremely long and unreadable. nobody would bother to ever read through this much of just an anonymous sad person on the Internet. i like that... haha I wonder if anyone's bored enough to reach this point..hello if you did! you really should go, though. it's not good to hear about this kinda stuff...as if you'd listen anyways. I'm so pathetic. I'm just worthless and nothing in life. it's just two weeks...ill be okay.. it's gonna be fine for two weeks..I don't like how he constantly says I'm gonna stop being friends with him. I'm not gonna. I'm too clingy for that. I expect too much out of him. I'm worthless, I don't deserve to be treated like royalty. it's okay.nobody can poke fun at me for this..I'm glad. I can be as cringe as I want. I can say my actual thoughts. it's such a relief to do this.
13/12/24 im so done with it. i just had an argument and I had to resort to being rude I don't like that I don't like it. at all. i really don't want to stop being friends he's my everything and he does not care. he's threatening to get rid of me and he knows I'm clingy but he doesn't care and blames me for it. it's alright. i dont want to have to beg him to stay... i never had to do this before..it really is strange. why couldn't he just listen to me? i know people a lot more than he does...can't he trust me edit I did beg him to stay. I think I'll fully ignore him for some time until I get better. and other people...not irl tho. I'm glad I'm sick though, I can stay at home and sulk. i should forget about everyone for a while. tomorrow, if I feel better I have a costume designer coming over.. i have theatre classes. im not one of them stereotypical weird theatre kids though. one comes to my school, he's in the year above me. some days ago he chose to sing the worst Christmas song ever while I was speedwalking to catch up with c and my other friend on my way home. I think I was still scared of the bugs I got at night...I told them about it. they didn't react badly and told me it's lack of sleep. I'm glad they accepted me.. aha i was supposed to go charity shopping with the same friend today...unfortunately I'm ill so I can't make it. I like charity shopping! usually I just buy some movies or pretty clothes. I bought one of my favorite jackets from there. im going Christmas shopping tomorrow with my friend.. my brother is too lazy to come with me. im trying to get him to go outside more...he's kinda pathetic. I don't like math. my teacher has a really annoying way of saying an equation in maths (I can't even write it, every time I'll read it I'll think of her annoying ahh accent) I hope I can go outside tomorrow. I am going to the doctors today, although that's just boring. I'm not fond of it.. I'm not talking to him. I don't think I will for some time.. I leave no trace of me being online or whatever for him to find..at least I don't think he cares enough to check deeply. I went to the doctors today. my outfit is really nice...it's mom's old jeans, a nirvana shirt, a hoodie and a really thick fleece thing and a scarf. I like scarves.. they're nice. i spent a lot of time with my cat today, I love her a lot! my beautiful cat keeps me alive. I'll leave my best friend to wonder about me. he posted that he isn't feeling well. it's been pretty okay today. nothing happened nothing should have happened. I miss when I used to be happy talking to him. I know ill be happy talking to him again. if only he can listen to me. I ate a lot today. I don't like that.. it'll be okay. i didnt write here much through the day. I tried installing infinity nikki, it looks fun! always crashes when I try to open it though.